Before the Shift: The Ordinary Life I Outgrew
ACT 1 — DEPARTURE
The Ordinary World
Before my life began to change, everything looked fine from the outside. In fact, it looked stable. Predictable. Even respectable. Yet inside, I lived with a quiet tension I could not name. I woke up, handled responsibilities, and moved through my days with discipline. However, something essential felt muted. It began in college at UCSB when I read the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” A book about choosing a career, which is still not super easy for me. The book is here.
At that time, I saw myself primarily through roles. I was the responsible one. The observer. The woman who stayed composed. I learned early how to be self-contained. Because of that, I rarely asked for help. Instead, I adapted. I tolerated. I endured. That skill served me well, but it also kept me small.
My everyday life followed a pattern. I worked. I thought deeply. I reflected constantly. Still, I rarely allowed myself to fully feel dissatisfaction. I told myself this was normal. After all, many people live this way. They function. They cope. They don’t ask dangerous questions. I did the same.
Yet beneath the surface, something stirred. I felt it in quiet moments. I felt it when I paused long enough to breathe. Although I appeared grounded, I was suppressing a deeper knowing. I accepted limitations that never truly belonged to me. Over time, those limits became heavy.
What I tolerated then no longer feels acceptable now. I tolerated emotional restraint. I tolerated intellectual silencing. I tolerated environments where curiosity was minimized. Most of all, I tolerated the idea that longing itself was indulgent. That belief shaped me, but it also confined me. So i came up with a bunch of quotes and blogged about this here.
At that stage, my sense of purpose felt borrowed rather than chosen. I lived responsibly, yet not expansively. I followed paths that made sense logically. Meanwhile, my intuition waited patiently. It never disappeared. It simply learned how to whisper.
Quiet dissatisfaction became my companion. It wasn’t dramatic. It didn’t demand attention. Instead, it lingered. I noticed it during moments of reflection. I noticed it when inspiration struck but went unexpressed. Although I dismissed it often, it returned stronger each time.
Looking back, I see that my ordinary world wasn’t wrong. It was incomplete. I was surviving efficiently, but not living fully. That distinction matters. Because survival asks for compliance. Living asks for courage.
Eventually, the discomfort became impossible to ignore. The longing for meaning, truth, and expansion grew louder. I wanted alignment, not just achievement. I wanted clarity, not just competence. Most importantly, I wanted my inner world to match my outer life.
This was the threshold moment, though I didn’t know it yet. The ordinary world was still intact. However, it had begun to crack. And through those cracks, my real journey prepared to begin.
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